So I was looking forward to my once a week, late night chats with this female I had met in a chat room. She was nice and I was getting very interested in her. More than I had ever thought I would.

     I felt guilty for this because I was married and I had no right to even be chatting with her. But I did. And it made me feel good. I was miserable at home and these chats seemed to magnify the boredom and complacency I was feeling. I was being supplied a lifeline of excitement while I chatted with her. When we were not on-line together, the anticipation of our next conversation was exciting.

     Our conversations were truthful and from the heart. We were bonding and flirting. We even had talked about how cool it would be to meet. But I lived in Michigan, she in Nebraska. It would never happen.

     I used to look at maps and figured out how long that type of trip would take. To me, this was about to grow into more than some internet fling. I was allowing it to cloud my thoughts and I began to secretly yearn to meet her in real life.

     One night, I had revealed this to her and she was blown away. She asked about my wife at the time and how would I be able to get away to come meet. She then tried to tell me to work out my marriage. But I felt that was no use because you can’t work on something without the other person working too.

     She asked me for my cell number that night. I was hesitant at first. I typed it out and I stared at it for a while, my finger on the “enter” button. I remember thinking that if I hit that button, it would set off a chain of events that I didn’t know if I was ready for. That “enter” button might as well have been “The Button” that launches “The Bomb”. I knew that if I hit it, I could be in for a world of hurt.

     I thought that I could still get out of this potential mess. I would have to stop coming over to my former in-laws for these nights and I would have to stop using the computer for the internet. I should just turn it off and walk away and never look back.

     But I also though of all the arguments I was getting into with my former wife. I was thinking of all the things we had accomplished so quickly. I thought of how easy it all was. I thought that worse case scenario, I could do it all over again.

     I began to have this weird feeling that if I destroyed it all, would I have the mental strenght to put it all back together again? My life could be rebuilt. I could do it. What was so hard about it? I was 27, all my life ahead of me, and I felt that I could do no wrong.

     This woman made me feel good. She gave me a rush I did not have for a long time. I wanted her and I knew she wanted me. Maybe I can do this.

     I pushed the button…


2 Responses to “My Story…Part 20”

  1. 1 writeableramblings September 22, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    I just found your blog. started at the beginning of Your story today and have only gotten this far. Love your writing. Love your story. I will be back to read more.

  2. 2 headslammer September 23, 2008 at 10:21 pm

    Well thank you very much! I appreciate you took the time to see what I have to say.

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