We talked about various things about how the marriage has gone downhill. She admitted she was not happy anymore, as did I.

     While we had this talk, and for the next several days, I had a burning feeling inside. A burning deep in my body, in my soul, and in my conscience. It was beginning to make me feel like garbage. I started to eat less. I had no appetite. I had no energy. I had no motivation. I started to feel self-destructive.

     The burning feeling was guilt. Guilt that I had slept with another woman while being married. I had this guilt bottled up inside me and I wanted to let it out. I felt that I had to. I had no friends to turn to to let them know how I was feeling because I felt guilty and embarrassed. I did not want my wife at the time to hear what I had done from someone else.

     It was a Saturday morning, the day before Easter, when I sat her down on the couch in the living room. I told I had something I needed to tell her. It was something I felt I needed to do to get this weight off my chest.

     Years later, I have learned that one person’s guilt should not become the problem of another person. This situation I created was my own fault. Just because I screwed up, doesn’t mean I need to give her pain also. But, again, in my own selfish way, I tried to relieve myself of guilt, but inflicted pain onto her.

     I told her that I had sex with another woman.

     As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I felt as if I was up in the corner of the living room where the wall and ceiling meet. I felt I was up there watching this whole episode play out. This was the first, and only time in my life, that I felt that I had an out-of-body experience.

     She didn’t say to much other than call me a whole bunch of names and then she left the house with our daughters. I did not feel any better as far as my guilt was concerned. I actually started feeling worse.

     The next month was tense. We talked a little bit about our everyday goings-on. Things about work schedules and the kids, but not too much about anything else. I also kept on chatting online with the other woman, but at my best friends house when his wife left. She usually went to my house and we crossed paths.

     When the first month was over, my wife at the time had decided that she would try to save our marriage. She planned on having our daughters stay a few nights at her mom’s house while we went out of town to stay at a hotel and be alone.

     This would be another turning point in our already downward spiraling marriage. And again, I would be the reason.

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August 2020


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