I didn’t really forgive her, I guess I just kind of accepted that my life sucked and I was trapped in a hell I could not get out of.

     She started to work at a place where she was getting a good pay and valuable experience in her field about 6 months before our marriage came to an end. She came home the first night talking about how great the place was and all the great people she met, especially one in particular.

     I had to hear all about this one guy the rest of the night, and if she wasn’t telling it to me, she was on the phone with her friends telling them.

     I had gotten to the mindset that I wanted someone to take her away from me. I believed this may have been the opportunity and I felt kind of weird about it. I was a little jealous at first, then as time wore on, I was hoping for it to happen.

     I accepted that this was my way out. Why I had never acted on it myself, to find another interesting girl, was because I told myself I would never cheat again. But I thought at the time SHE was doing it. Or at least in the early stages of it.

     Within a week of the thoughts of cheating started rolling around in my head, I began to start my search to do the same. I believed if she was looking and finding another interest, why can’t I?

     But this time was different. I knew the ropes and I waited for her to pull the plug on the marriage. I knew she was miserable, as was I. She also told me throughout our marriage that if I ever cheated it was over. I tried everything else from telling her I wanted out, to finding another place to live, to openly showing my misery. Cheating was the the last card I could play and my ticket out of the hell I was in.

     I found a girl in a chat room shortly after my beastly wife started her new job, and I kept her very distant from me, but also in my back pocket. I had chatted with her on the phone and on the computer very sporadically for 3 months before I actually met her in person.

     The night I met her would be the same weekend night that my beastly wife met the guy from her work during a lie on our whereabouts.

     It was Christmas time and we both happened to use the shopping excuse to get out of the house and away from each other. She went with her friend to meet him, I went alone and met this Internet girl.

     The secret fun for both of us lasted into the new year. I was onto to her faster than she was onto me. I felt she was doing something wrong, but I was doing the same. It was a weird time. But it was a fast time.

     I used to try to call my beast up, while I was at work, on her cell, which she always answered, and she wasn’t answering at all. I suspected her being up to something. There was a time when, on her day off, I was home also, where she suddenly needed to go in. That was the tip I needed to know what I was doing was justified. She didn’t need to go anywhere, she just needed to go see him.

     The biggest mess of my life was about to take shape before the first month of the new year was over, and I was to be separated, broke, and homeless.

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August 2020


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