Once I had gotten settled in the house, with ALL my stuff I had at my dad’s and the tools and my truck and other manly things I retrieved from my beast wife’s cave, I actually started to relax a little. I felt that the storm I had been through was over.

     I had gotten away from the beast wife, I had all my things and I had began to get my independence. I had began to see clearly and I had began to plan out how I wanted to be. I done all this thinking on my own while I would go outside, quite frequently actually, with my newly acquired friends…cigarettes!

     I loved them! I felt like I had been missing out on something, but they made me feel at ease. They were a relaxing part of my day. I had built up to a pack a day. But they gave me that time to go outside and enjoy the cold weather, which I already loved, and look around and have some quiet time by myself.

     I had a house, a good job, a divorce on the way, and a vision on what I wanted. By going outside on those cold, February nights in early 2006, I felt at ease with myself, for the first time in many, many years.

     I had always been an athletic-type person. I ran a marathon, ran track and cross country and played basketball in high school. If I ever got involved in any type of athletic activity, I could hold my own and have a good time at doing it. So for me to be smoking was a ludicrous and idiotic thing for me to do, but it’s what I needed at the time. For some reason it worked.

     I had slowly began to smoke at work, and then around my friends. I knew that as soon as I pulled that pack of Marlboro Milds out of my pocket, I would get shocked and questioning looks from people. They all said the same thing, and that was what the hell was I doing. Well I was enjoying life!

     My mom didn’t take to kindly to it either, although surprisingly enough, she didn’t give me too much shit either. Neither did my dad. But my sister? I caught hell. And I told them all the same thing, it was only a faze.

     I felt good about myself and those damn things helped me. I don’t know why or what it was about them, but damn it, they were good!!

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August 2020


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