Posts Tagged 'sex'

Baby-Making With An IUI

     My wife and I are on a mission to make a baby. I have written, in this blog, all about our experiences during our journey to make a baby. We have had close calls, we had our hopes fade, and we have had disappointments. But then we would try again the following month, repeating this cycle.

     I am going to sum up the journey so far, and to get myself acquainted with what I have written, and not written, to this point.

     Fifteen months ago, I had a vasectomy reversal. It was a good decision because it gave my wife and I the chance to make a baby. We had decided to try right before we got married a year earlier. We were excited and willing to “do the do” on time, every month, like clockwork.

     So I got reversed, and a month later the trying began. Every month, according to my wife’s clock and her calendar and her “piss sticks” and most of all, her say-so, we tried.  It was fun for the first couple months. Then frustration set in. Then it became work. Never had I thought that having sex would be work and I would feel pressured.

     Along the way, I had taken in 3 sperm samples to see what my army of baby-makers were up to. I found out they were there. Plenty of them. Some 20 million of them. But they were slow, almost inactive, but they were there. And that’s what mattered because we were able to keep trying.

     Several months went by and my wife and I got to the point where we weren’t watching the calendar anymore. We were doing the deed when we wanted. We tried to take the pressure off. This didn’t work either.

     We talked to a urologist and got advise on what to try to do to help. This is where he hit us with trying IUI, intrauterine insemination. This is a procedure where, after I produce sperm sample, they take it out, and put it in my wife’s uterus.

     My wife was instructed to pay attention to her ovulation times of the month. She bought a First Response pregnancy kit, where she has to urinate on one and it tells her of her hormonal levels, also known as her LH surge. When it peaks, we are to come into the clinic the following day and they will perform the IUI.

     When her levels are high, she has an egg in her uterus. When the IUI is performed, sperm is shot into the uterus. This procedure, in real easy terms, is putting the boy in the same room as the girl without having him have to walk through the front door, walk down a hallway and enter her room. This procedure skips the journey and puts the boy in the same room immediately.

     This procedure was performed a week and a half ago. We are waiting to see if this works. I hope it does. My beautiful wife hopes it does, too. I know my sperm are slow and lazy. I refer to them as a bunch of fat, lazy kids playing video games while eating licorice. I hope that with them being put in the uterus with her egg will motivate them to move their asses and hook up and get my wife pregnant.

     I hope to have news in the next week or so. Until then, I will treat my wife as if she is “with child” by not letting her do any strenuous chores, although the doctor told her to go about living life the same as usual. But until we know, we will wait.

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Vasectomy Reversal Recovery Moving Along Well

     It has been 11 days since I had got my vasectomy reversed. I know I wrote about it in an earlier post, but I want to get into how this is going so far.

     The first few days I was tender, I admit. It was a tender sensation on and in the bag. The ropes that hold things up were what I was feeling.

     The 4th day was the day I had to begin ejaculating. I was instructed by the doctor to do that at least every other day. He also joked and said if I felt up to it, I could do so every day. This is to wash out the old, stagnant sperm and replenish them with newer, hopefully more acive, ones.

     When I finally did ejaculate that morning, it felt as though I was shooting a golf ball through a garden hose. it did not hurt, but I could practically feel the whole journey my sperm took. There was also a hint of pinkish in my “output”. I called and found out that was normal.

     Later that day I felt a little pain. I took it easy and laid on the couch and took more Vicodin and was hoping this was not a bad sign. I began to get delusions of the “patchwork” the doctor did had blown apart. But all ended up being well.

     My scrotum had turned some nice shades of purple and blue in small areas near my body. The bruising is natural. This was the same day I had stopped using my whitey tighties and got back into my boxers.

     What a relief! I felt better and then the boys began to feel better.

     I have been keeping up with my doctor’s orders on a daily basis. My wife is a good sport and participates most of the time, the other times she leaves the room and lets me “work out the juices”. All this is kinda like a free pass, since I actually do have a mission, and I get to enjoy myself along the way, with my wife or not. He He!

     And one more thing before I wrap this up. Remember in Superman 2 (I believe it was) when he gave up his powers and transformed into a human? I kinda felt like him.

     When my wife I had sex for the first time after the surgery, I felt like I had transformed into something I never thought I would ever be again, FERTILE! I felt like I was a different man. I felt like this was a good thing that I did, and I hope all this pays off in the end. It’s all worth it!

My Story…Part 57

     Which brings me back to the part where I had my new female friend over at my newly rented house. We drank some beers, smoked a few cigarettes and called it a night. She went home uneventfully. I turned the lights out, and got ready to sleep by watching TV on the couch in the living room.

     The next time she came over was two days later. I felt we had grown much closer than ever since she was over a mere 48 hours earlier. I also felt that the relationships we had with the beastly wife of mine, and her friend, was growing quickly apart. We still had a beast to deal with, but she was becoming more of an object to discuss and deal with, more than an actual human being.

     The Friday night she came over, I was again nervous. Why still? I did not know. We got some beers, we rented “Walk The Line” and chilled out that night at my house. We drank some beers, smoked some cigarettes, got good and buzzed, and then….

     There comes a time in every blossoming relationship when the guy and girl will break that sexual tension with a slick move. This particular night, two moves were made. One, innocently by me, the other, not so innocent, by her.

     We were watching TV in the dark on my couch. I, on one end, her on the other. I offered her to stretch her legs out across the couch and onto my lap. I totally meant no harm in it. I was trying to be nice since she was looking all balled up with her feet tucked under her butt.

     So she stretched them across to my lap. I sat there, continuing to drink my beer, when she started to make her move, with her feet. It all went from there.

     For a lot of the time that I had been married to my beastly wife, I had always had an attraction to her friend. She was totally hot, good personality, and she genuinely seemed like a good person. On top of all this, I had thought about her in a sexual way.

     There were occassions when she was in a time of not having had sex, and my beastly wife would offer ME up to have sex with her. I always thought that I would do it without ever thinking twice. But it makes one think, why would beast offer her husband up to her best friend to have sex with her? What kind of wife and friend is that? Weird.

     But when she started to make her move this particular night, it was on. I was not thinking twice. I had really intended to be friends with her, and I fully knew that if we had sex, everything would be different.

     And it was.

     We spent more time together. She stayed the night more regularly, and we just absolutely hit it off. We told our kids about the other, and they were real excited, especially my girls. They told me they had always liked her, and they were happy for me. This made it all the easier, and it made it all feel right.

     But this situation was a ticking time bomb as far as the beast was concerned….

A Debate On Sex

     I want to start a debate, not for myself, but for the men who don’t know when, or even IF their women have orgasms.

     Also for the women, whose men could learn from this, as to what he needs to do to help her out a little.

     I heard a tease today, for a local morning radio show,  who will discuss, on Monday, a study that shows that 70% of men do not know if their women orgasm.

     I am no stud, so don’t think I am on a soapbox, but WTF! How can they not know?!?

     I am asking that comments be left by both sexes explaining two different things:

     1.) Men! Do you honestly think she had an orgasm? What clues did you have to reveal that she did?

And, if she didn’t, what was her excuse? Does she fake the same way every time?

     2.) Women! DO you orgasm when having sex? If not, why fake one? What needs to be accomplished or done by your man to achieve the ultimate climax?

     Like I said, I find it hard to believe that a whopping 70% of men have zero clue that women orgasm, and I want this to be a lesson for both sides, in a playful, educational way.

Hmmm….

     Isn’t it nice that the weather is finally changing from that terrible heat to cooler autumn days?

     Isn’t it great that football season has finally began?

     Isn’t it ridiculous that cigarettes are so unhealthy yet such a hard habit to break?

     Is it really a surprise that the Detroit Lions suck again?

     Is it a fire-able offense when talking to a fellow co-worker on personal cell phones during work hours and calling that person a racial slur when the person next to that person is of that race and can hear what was said?

     Doesn’t it suck that there aren’t that many hours in the day?

     Doesn’t it suck that the day doesn’t end fast enough?

     Isn’t it crazy that in 15 weeks Christmas will be upon us?

     Do we really spend enough time with our kids?

     Don’t you wish we could stop time and keep our kids at the age they are at so they don’t have to deal with the real world and you can keep them safe forever?

     Is it really that big of a deal that Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin’s daughter is pregnant and not married?

     Is that big a deal that Tom Brady hurt his knee and is out for the rest of the season?

     How old is too old to start a rock band?

     Is it ok to believe that you are going to have sex with your spouse years from now when you’re both old and wrinkled up?

Now You’re Screwed!

     Becky was a girl who had been through a major accident about 10 years ago when the car she was driving was struck by another when the drunk driver crossed the median.

     Becky lost all her extremities, both arms and both legs, in the aftermath of the accident, due to infections and severely mangled bones.

     Early this summer Becky went with her best friend, Ruth, to the Pacific Ocean so she could enjoy the place she loved being the most, Florence, Oregon. Becky loved to watch the sun set out over the Pacific every time she made the trip from her hometown of Peoria, Illinois.

     She had been to Florence many times with her family when she was a child. Then when she was older, she would go out there with her boyfriends every summer. It was her favorite place in the world.

     One night, on her latest trip out there back in June, Becky was alone on the beach in her specially made wheelchair, watching  the sun begin to set. She watched families packing their kids and belongings up from the day. She saw a few men, she found attractive hanging out on the beach, also.

     She began to remember how good it felt to have a man in her life. The comfort, the support, the camaraderie and especially the sex. It had been years since she was able to have sex because of the accident. She began to really yearn for a man as she sat out there on the beach.

     She had decided that she would give it a try. To get a man for that night. She knew she would have nothing to lose, and maybe there was a special man out there she just had not found yet.

     The setting sun had put her in the mood and she tried her luck. A tall man walked in her direction toward the parking lot when she stopped him and asked him if he would to hook up, maybe have sex. He kindly turned her down. She didn’t feel hurt, she kept trying.

     Another man walked toward her. This time she went about her mission differently. She thought maybe they could just have sex, right here on the beach. This way she would not be putting him out with her wheelchair and all. It could be real convenient.

     She stopped him and made her move.

     “Excuse me,” Becky said to the handsome man walking toward her, “can I ask a favor of you?”

     “Sure, ma’am” he answered, “anything for a pretty girl like yourself!”

     “I have not had sex for quite some time,”  Becky said as she began her plea, “and I know I am being forward when I ask this, but do you think you could screw me? Right here on the beach?”

     The man was taken back her bluntness, but nodded in acceptance of her offer.

     “Yes, I think I can screw you here on the beach,” the man said as he wheeled her down toward the water.

     He stopped the wheelchair, engaged the brakes, walked around to the front of the chair, picked Becky up and pulled her out.

     He then swung her real hard in the direction of the ocean and let go of her. He watched poor Becky fly about 20 feet in the air and splash into the water. Becky sunk like a rock.

     “Well I hope your happy,” he said in the direction of the bubbles popping in the water. “Now you’re screwed!”

Picked The Bass Up Again

     I usually have this musical instrument always stored away neat and tidy in it’s case when I have no use for it. But lately I HAVE had use for it.

     Playing my bass is fun now that I have given up on the dream of being a rock n roll god. I bought it when I was 13 with money I saved up from being a paperBOY!!! (Remember those?)

     I have a Fender Squire and a Peavey amplifier that I have been rockin’ out on consistently for over a year now. I had them packed away for the longest time. Many years.

     I have a pretty well insulated basement that allows me to crank up the stereo with my iPod and I blare my amp and just jam! Nobody upstairs can really hear me, which is how I like it. They don’t get annoyed and I can just be left alone (with 20,000 imaginary fans screaming for me to take off my shirt and spit and sweat on).

     I know alot of Led Zepplin from my early years of playing because I always thought they were easy to figure out. But now I have recently added Marilyn Manson, Radiohead, Tom Petty, Judas Priest and The Cult, just to name a few, to my resume’.

     Before anyone comes filling up my inbox, I do not have any desire to play in your band. That dream is dead. I just do it now to enjoy myself and brag to my friends and in my posts that I can play songs that are heard on the radio.

     Now if you excuse me, I must go now go so I can suck back a fifth of Jose Cuervo, smash up my hotel room, do a line of cocaine, have sex with a groupie, and pass out on the bathroom floor while covered in my own vomit.

     Actually I’m off to bed. I have errands to run first thing in the morning then help my wife do housework and then spend the rest of the day with her and my kids.


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